I'd like to share more about the content of my TEDx talk, where I framed relational creativity as a possible balm for the loneliness epidemic we find ourselves in the midst of at the moment.

I chose to label the principles of creative relating, CAVE. As in, creating connection requires coming out of our caves (cue reference to Plato's cave). 

C is for curiosity. Curiosity involves an inherent openness to experience, admitting we don’t already know the answer. As a recovering know-it-all, I have to admit this can be tricky for me at times. But we can ask ourselves in any interaction are we coming from a place of curiosity about what life is like for them or are we trying to control the outcome of the conversation, push our agenda or earn their approval?

So how can we activate curiosity? We could start with seeing question crafting as a domain of creativity. Could you challenge yourself to ask someone a question they’ve never been asked before, one you’re genuinely interested to know the answer to?

A is for appreciation. Research shows we like people who’re like us, a phenomenon called homophily. So we’re often told that if we want to connect, we need to find something we have in common. In and of itself this common ground approach isn’t a problem, but if it comes at the cost of downplaying our differences, then we’re limiting our ability to connect. Creativity requires that we not only suspend judgment of what is new and different but that we find a way to value a fresh perspective. When we can appreciate the way in which someone is different from us it establishes a tone of psychological safety where the other person feels they can share freely without the risk of judgment.

To activate appreciation, try to put your finger on a virtue of theirs that you value. Even if you don’t express it explicitly, just bringing it to mind will put the other person at ease.

V is for vulnerability. There simply is no creativity without vulnerability. Proposing something new and different is inherently risky. Will they judge me? Laugh at me? Similarly creating deep connection requires the courage to show up as our real selves. A willingness to be seen as we are.

Activating vulnerability can be as simple as sharing a story. It might be a story of struggle or a story of celebration. As long as it’s a story that matters to you, you’ll create connection.

Finally, E is for engagement. If we’re too busy or stressed or exhausted or absorbed in our phones we’ll find it almost impossible to be creative. Creativity comes when we have focused attention and full engagement in the process. So when we interact with another person, what percent of our attention do they have access to?

Could you dial down the volume of distractions buzzing in the back of your mind and amplify the focus on this fleeting idiosyncratic opportunity to connect.

For some of you, you’re naturally creative in this way. But for the rest of us, it’s easy to be uncreative. If we fall asleep at the wheel, doze off into default mode, our interactions become shallow, scripted and unsatisfying. Leaving us lonely.

But we can consciously create connection by simply asking ourselves, in any interaction could I be a bit more curious, appreciative, vulnerable or engaged with this person in this moment?